Ready to Communicate?
People search long and hard to find their perfect partner, yet many (maybe even most) eventually manage to seriously mess up the relationship in some way. Often this is exasperated through poor communication. There are many texts on communication in relationships, but this short article will bring to your attention a lesser known angle to communication which should first be addressed, i.e. do you actually want to communicate.
Actually, at this point let me define what I mean by communication: for this article it is the process of listening, interpreting, analysing and replying to a partner’s words and actions on subjects relating to the everyday interactions in the relationship. No matter how good at communicating you are, if the will is not there, you will not actually use your fabulous communication skills to their full effect. There are many reasons why someone would not genuinely wish to talk/listen to their partner about important relationship concerns:
- apathy
- lack of comprehension of the seriousness of the partner’s concerns
- lack of desire to listen due to various reasons (heard it all before, perception of nagging, tiredness, futility, etc)
to name but a few. The truth is that it is often hard to judge the earnestness of your partner’s needs, especially if they are always moaning, arguing and generally tiring you out with their complaining. However, if the relationship is worth working at, then you should dedicate a little energy to determine if you are ready to communicate and then do your best to communicate effectively. At the bottom of any diatribe lies a truth, at least in the mind of the person expressing it. Are you ready to be impartial? Are you balanced and eager to be fair? Are you calm and rational? These are questions that you need to answer before you even attempt to communicate. If you answer ‘no’ to any of them, then sit back and rationalise your attitude. Going into a serious debate about a relationship issue should not be done lightly and will require a certain level of maturity and thoughtfulness. Without thoughtfulness you will be unable to understand your partner’s needs and consequently potentially misunderstand the issue which could lead to frustration on your partner’s side.
Clear your mind, remember that your partner is bringing up an issue because they consider it important, expect criticism and don’t get offended by it (this is where maturity comes into it). Once you are prepared emotionally and mentally, then ask yourself, will you be able to have the mature conversation that is required to resolve the issue.
A few pointers here. Don’t communicate if you are not ready - in this case ask for time to prepare yourself or for when you are in a better mood; however make absolutely sure you stick to the designated time you choose (failure to do so shows disrespect to both yourself and your partner and sends out the message that you do not take their concerns seriously). Do make sure you refresh your memory about why you are with that person and why you are communicating - it is not to apportion blame, it is to align both partner’s views on an issue which is potentially causing a problem.
I believe most people do not want to communicate because they feel deep inside that they will be hurt in some way; either via a truth that is painful to accept or a latent criticism which undermines their confidence in who they are. Being a good communicator is important, but even a good communicator needs to be honest with themselves and determine if they are giving their best to the partner’s concerns.