Fighting and Arguments are Counterproductive
It does seem obvious that two people verbally fighting with each other will not produce any productive conclusion, but in the heat of the moment it is difficult to remember this. There are many reasons why people get hot under the collar and lose their temper with their partner, but how can this be avoided?
I think the solution lies in the appreciation of the need of each side in the argument to be ‘right’ and ‘win’ their case. To understand and to listen to their side of the situation is the key to calming them down. By trying to ignore what they are saying, by refusing to listen to them, by demanding that they listen to you, by screaming, by crying, by throwing childish tantrums, by not communicating, you are killing any chances of maturely resolving the argument and will most likely escalate it. If you are acting in this way and not communicating effectively, then eventually your partner will either walk away from the relationship or develop a mistrust of your ability to act like an adult and resolve your differences, which will put a barrier between you.
So, to negotiate an argument I would follow these steps:
- Calm down - allow time (in silence) for both people to relax a little
- Listen - let the other person put their side of the story first (make sure you actually do listen though)
- Understand - try to see things from their perspective
- Communicate - once you understand their anguish, then put forward your side of events
- Accept your own faults - if you are to blame for the argument, accept it
- Compromise - reach a solution where both people are happy, assuming you are both to blame for the fight
Just remember, that contrary to popular belief, not every argument is caused by both people. If you are guilty of being selfish or immature, not communicating or getting angry, then it is your fault and you should accept this and make amends in some way. For every feeling of hurt you cause you need to address this and try to undo the damage. When you hurt someone and ignore the consequences, it has a habit of accumulating in intensity over time and spells relationship disaster, eventually.