Anger Management - A Relationship Perspective
After having spoken to a female friend about her boyfriend recently, I came to the conclusion that many people fail to understand their partner. Apparently, her boyfriend would sometimes get angry for little reason and act too sensitively in certain situations. She said he was actually a very nice guy and other than his anger, everything else was perfect.
After discussing this for a while, it transpired than when he got angry, she rose to the challenge and got angry back at him. Fighting fire with fire is not a good strategy for relationship harmony. Of course she has the right to get angry with him, but there is a subtle difference in each others anger which, in my opinion places her at fault. In this case, his anger it seems may be caused by his abusive past (it appears he had a strict, violent father), whereas hers is caused by his irrational actions. Why is this important? Firstly, in this case the woman needs to understand that his anger is not a reflection on the current situation and she should view the trigger as nothing more than that, a release valve for the inner pain he has experienced. He may not even know why he is getting angry and if his partner gets angry back and fails to understand the real underlying cause of his pain, then he will get even more angry and frustrated with both himself and her. He wants to be in control, but was previously hurt to such a degree that he needs help to sort out his emotions. Instead of getting angry with him, she would be better to try (if she can, and has the love and maturity to do so) to reach out a hand of patience and understanding. By acknowledging (in a gentle and unpatronising way) that his anger is a consequence of the pain which was previously inflicted on him, she will be in control of the situation and he will end up feeling a mixture of emotions. Firstly, he will feel relief - men often lose control of themselves when challenged in an angry state and they always end up afterwards feeling really bad and disappointed with themselves; so by avoiding a confrontation, she is helping him avoid hurting himself, which he will appreciate. Secondly, love - show understanding to a man who does not (on the surface) deserve it and you will escalate in his opinion of you; you are proving to him how much more in control you are than he is and he will respect and possibly love you more for it. Thirdly, shame - by your mature actions you will leave him feeling ashamed of his lack of control; this shame will more realistically cause him to look at his anger issues than if you shout back at him - shout back at him and in some way you are reinforcing his belief that you are in the wrong. Of course if you rise to his challenge and fight back, then he will think you are deliberately pressing his buttons, showing him no love or understanding and basically failing him as his partner, which will hurt him more and cause an endless circle of anger. More importantly, you are displaying a lack of knowledge of his pain and the fact that he feels he cannot really talk about this pain. Show tolerance to him and he will start to handle his anger better. A simple gesture such as touching his arm or even keeping silent may be enough to bring on his shame.
Now, why should a woman do this for her partner? After all, he is getting angry and it is not her fault, so why should she have to make the effort to be tolerant and patient when he is being angry? The easy answer is that she doesn’t have to do this. In fact few women do. However, if she loves her partner and wishes to end the random acts of anger, then she needs to understand that she is in a unique position in this man’s life to help him. After all, men also make many sacrifices for women, so is it not the right thing to do to help a man who may be suffering from some sort of emotional trauma? Alas, many women do not see it this way and effectively take it personally when a man displays his anger for silly reasons. If he is worth the effort, then give him a chance and see if the gentle understanding way of dealing with his anger brings about results. If not, then at least you know you have tried your best and the next step is either further professional counselling or a break-up.