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So the US presidential campaign is kicking off and McCain has chosen Palin as his running mate. The problem here is that they are conservative and by definition should be pretty strict on the likes of, say, teenage pregnancies. Everyone knows that when you start dating, things can get out of hand and young women are particularly at risk as their knowledge of contraception is limited and they are inexperienced in these matters. Hence why good parenting is important to help a young adult navigate this minefield. So how can the presumptive Republican presidential candidate choose as his running mate a mother who arguably may have failed her daughter to a certain degree - teenage pregnancy is a blight on Western society and conservatives normally look down on this sort of behaviour.
In today’s world, normal people accept that teenagers can get pregnant and accept that even with the best parenting, ‘accidents’ happen. However, we are talking about normal people, and bible-bashing, god-fearing conservatives may not fall into this category. The question is, will the religious folk (you know, those who voted in George W.Bush two times) expect McCain to publicly flog Palin and banish her to Devils Island? Or will they forgive McCain for choosing a 44 year-old grandmother, with little experience in public life who encourages her teenage children to have babies?

More to the point, why am I writing about this on this blog. Well, the connection is that conservatism and reality are not always good bed-friends when it comes to relationships. McCain has highlighted the flaws and contradictions in conservatism when he chose Palin. Why does this matter? Well, I believe politics and the beliefs of an individual in this area are actually quite fundamental to how compatible couples are. The Governor of California, a Republican, is married into the Kennedy clan - I find this how to digest and think this sort of marriage of people across the political divide is not as common as those successful relationships within their own borders.

Here is an article by the BBC on teenage pregnancy in the UK.

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Most people put a relatively decent amount of effort into a relationship.  I would guess that not enough effort is made on average, but instead of that, I wish to focus on another aspect of relationships and that is the commitment one makes to oneself.

Even if you are the best partner in the world (maybe especially so), you could easily find yourself in a position where you neglect yourself and suffer from this neglect.  By this I mean, not dedicating enough time to your own development and relaxation.  It is not difficult to get into the habit of always putting other people first and eventually finding yourself emotionally and physically tired.  Now, this is not a green light to be over-whelmingly self-centred; more like a gentle reminder to look at your own life and find ways to make time to do those things which give you your energy back.

I find having a nice relaxing walk helps, or even going for a run.  Sometimes instead of compromising on what DVD to watch, choose something you personally want to see.  Even in conversation, sometimes it is best to expect your partner to listen to you, rather than you always listening to them (not that you should have to fight for this ‘privilege’).  There are many ways to look after yourself and rejuvinate your energy levels.  Being in a relationship does not mean that you cannot also think of yourself.

Remember that a lifetime of compromising can leave you unfulfilled, resentful and unmotivated.  Take charge of where you want to go, what you want to do and make sure it happens… all the time without detracting from the dedication and thoughtfulness which you show others in your life… it is possible to look after others and yourself at the same time.

As ClickinLove is predominantly a dating site dedicated to intercultural dating, I thought I would touch on the subject of language problems couples may face when they are in an intercultural relationship.  Besides for the inevitable misunderstanding which can arise due to both people having a different set of reference customs, there are also issues which occur when one or other misconstrues the meaning and nuances of idiomatic expressions and language peculiarities.

For instance, sarcasm, which may be a common conversational element in one culture, could prove hard to understand for someone from another culture.  Often an incomplete grasp of the language can make understanding sarcasm a little tricky and the meaning can go very awry.  Yet the person being sarcastic may not realise that their comment was misunderstood and the person who misunderstood may probably not even know that they made a mistake in their understanding of what was said and meant.  Consequently, communication between both people has suffered, yet neither may actually realise this.

That is why it is especially important in intercultural dating to avoid relying too heavily on cultural traits when talking, to try and avoid idiomatic expressions, colloquialisms and other such sentence constructs which can cause ambiguity.  The danger is that, unlike normal communication problems where issues can be identified and eventually resolved, with cross-cultural language issues, both people may not actually realise that the other person has misunderstood them.  Eventually, somewhere down the line, these issues will surface and the underlying reason for them will be hard to determine; by that stage it may be too late to backtrack and resolve the issues.

When it comes to an easy life, only you can provide it; do not depend on your partner to fill the gaps which you have created in your own life.  I find that doing a little bit of work everyday keeps my mind active, keeps procrastination at bay and allows me to achieve things which would normally be difficult to achieve if I set out to do it within a competitive time-frame.

One of the biggest factors in failure, is a lack of belief in one’s own abilities, coupled with an incomplete understanding of how to work.  The truth is that humans need to achieve to feel good about themselves.  It is nearly impossible to sit all day doing nothing constructive and feel at the end of the day exhilarated and happy at what you have not achieved… yet when you work hard for an hour or two you are able to spend the rest of the day relaxed and happy that you are in control of your life and actively building skills and achieving results that will accumulate over time into things which will make you feel good about yourself and which will make your life easier and more happy.

The truth is that a good, happy, relaxed lifestyle only comes with daily effort and you must be patient to wait for the results.  If you spend 30 mins everyday running, then don’t expect to breath deeper and feel more energetic and fit in two weeks time (though you will probably see improvements within that time-frame) - keep at it and then in 6 months time you can feel proud of what you have done.  Just remember that self-discipline is your friend and procrastination is your nemesis.  If you sleep with the wrong one you will end up in trouble and consequently deserve the lifestyle you create.

Many people use relationships and their partner to patch up areas in their life which they should be fixing themselves.  Self-improvement helps a person to become more balanced and less needy and hence able to choose a partner based on desire as opposed to need.  But what are the critical factors in self-improvement?

Over time I have come to identify one particular area which seems very neglected in today’s popular psychology craze; this is self-disciple.  Without the technique to control ourselves when we need to do work, we lose a lot of our potential and ability to make life more successful and consequently more fulfilling and easy.  With self-discipline we can learn that new language, stick to the exercise regime, maintain a healthy attitude to those around us, finish that important project and make better use of our time.  Without self-discipline, we sit around worrying about finishing the work and getting stressed, not learning the new language, not exercising regularly, taking our frustration out on other people, etc.  There is a massive difference in the quality of life between those who know how to make an ambitious life plan and stick to it and those who only dream.

The choice is yours.  We all know we need to be more disciplined, but few of us really take it seriously enough to try and tackle it once and for all.  Yet if we do it right, self-control and the world are at our feet.  Life improves when we plan our future and make the goals happen, as opposed to being a spectator in your own life and watching your dreams disappear, one after another.

Though it may seem more like a personal objective, being a more positive person can have a dramatic impact on your relationship as well.  By increasing your ability to appreciate what you have and trying to foster a more realistic, optimistic outlook on your everyday life, you are able to remove some of the obstacles to a happy healthy relationship.

For instance, if you were to look at the various actions you have performed which have negatively impacted your partner, how many of them were as a result of some bad feeling on your part? Maybe you were tired and depressed and you lashed out at your partner for some minor reason; or maybe you were stressed with the daily grind of working life and sometimes thought it necessary to remind your partner that his/her life was easier (which inevitably would lead to conflict).  Now imagine those circumstances if you had been more optimistic about the underlying cause of your annoyance.  Instead of complaining about your job, a more optimistic you would maybe find reason to be thankful and pass on this new found appreciation in the way you treat your other half.  This in turn would hopefully cheer your partner and cause her/him to treat you better and hence avoid a conflict.

By learning to appreciate your life and surroundings a little more you will most likely improve how you feel about things and in turn be less likely to take out your frustrations on those around you.  It is definitely a win-win situation with a positive feedback loop for all.

It does seem obvious that two people verbally fighting with each other will not produce any productive conclusion, but in the heat of the moment it is difficult to remember this. There are many reasons why people get hot under the collar and lose their temper with their partner, but how can this be avoided?

I think the solution lies in the appreciation of the need of each side in the argument to be ‘right’ and ‘win’ their case. To understand and to listen to their side of the situation is the key to calming them down. By trying to ignore what they are saying, by refusing to listen to them, by demanding that they listen to you, by screaming, by crying, by throwing childish tantrums, by not communicating, you are killing any chances of maturely resolving the argument and will most likely escalate it. If you are acting in this way and not communicating effectively, then eventually your partner will either walk away from the relationship or develop a mistrust of your ability to act like an adult and resolve your differences, which will put a barrier between you.

So, to negotiate an argument I would follow these steps:

1. Calm down - allow time (in silence) for both people to relax a little
2. Listen - let the other person put their side of the story first (make sure you actually do listen though)
3. Understand - try to see things from their perspective
4. Communicate - once you understand their anguish, then put forward your side of events
5. Accept your own faults - if you are to blame for the argument, accept it
6. Compromise - reach a solution where both people are happy, assuming you are both to blame for the fight

Just remember, that contrary to popular belief, not every argument is caused by both people. If you are guilty of being selfish or immature, not communicating or getting angry, then it is your fault and you should accept this and make amends in some way. For every feeling of hurt you cause you need to address this and try to undo the damage. When you hurt someone and ignore the consequences, it has a habit of accumulating in intensity over time and spells relationship disaster, eventually.

When it comes to relationships (as in many things in life), being truthful to your partner is as important as being truthful to yourself.  What I mean by this, is that by knowing the difference yourself between the truthfulness of your thoughts and actions, and being able to pass this to your partner (either by words or actions), you will be able to build up an incredible level of trust.  Without trust there can be no close relationship… trust and love go hand-in-hand and breaking one severely damages the other.

If you are able to be truthful to yourself and to understand your true intentions behind your actions (which many people are unable to do), then you are in a good position to use this ’strength’ to build your relationship.   Truthfulness takes courage and knowing who you are, and why you do what you do, is a major milestone on the path to complete self-awareness and maturity.  The next step after this is to learn to share your talent and display this openess with your partner.

Many people say you can be too honest, but I believe it depends on the maturity of the people involved.   The truth is never something to shy away from and if you strive to be a better person, then being open to the truth will make you stronger.  Therefore I think it is better to be wholly truthful in a relationship as long as your partner is strong enough and willing enough to accept it.  The end result should be a new found level of trust and a consequently heightened feeling of love.  Ultimately, your relationship is in your hands and to make any relationship work you first need to overcome the obstacles set by the biggest protagonist in the relationship, i.e. you.  Fix your own problems first and then start dealing with those of your partner’s.  Learn to be truthful to yourself and your partner and you will reap the rewards of your efforts.

There is a phenomenon, usually I suspect amongst younger adults, where some people are more in love with the notion of being in love than with the actual act of loving somebody. Their desire for love and their need to find someone to match their requirements can be so strong that they are in danger of never finding someone to meet their expectations. When they are in a relationship they can often mess it up by focusing on how much love they are receiving as opposed to how much they are giving.

The truth is that in our lives we should do all we can with what we have. You cannot really determine how much someone loves you, but you are able to make a big effort to show how much you love them. Make that effort and try not to dream so much about how much love you wish to get back. The latter will only leave you feeling short-changed and frustrated, whilst at the same time probably neglecting your relationship, whereas the former is more likely to make your dreams become reality and the relationship to work. Being in love with being in love is slightly infantile and not the best strategy for relationship success.

I find it a strange paradox that so many people love reading poems which describe love, yet fail to live that poem in their own lives. How can it be that something as artistic as a love poem can do so little to inspire the reader to act out the essence of what they read, for the benefit of their partner. Does this make them hypocritical?

To clarify my point, I need an example. Typical, many love poems centre around the death of a partner and the desperate longing and pain which a cruel twist of fate can wreck upon an otherwise blissful union. The reader of this type of poem has their emotional appreciation for beauty and value elevated (albeit temporarily) whilst they ‘experience’ the poem. Momentarily, they feel the loss which the poem describes and it touches them. Yet, do they return to their partner with a new found sense of urgency and a desire to treat them with more love and appreciation? Not usually, I suspect. The benefits of a poem appear to be short lived and appeal more to those who wish to engage in the quick fix of an emotional high, without accepting that this fix should come at a price of increased thoughtfulness.

An underlying truth about love poetry is that it helps us focus on what we have. It reminds us of the feelings, security, companionship and ‘pure’ love that we currently possess. However, even with this reminder, we still return home to our partner and threat them as a vehicle for our own happiness. Sometimes, understanding the essence of a poem can help us understand our own actions or the lack of. The trick, is to use poetry to heighten your own powers of appreciation. As you become more thankful for what you have, you can use this energy to benefit the person you love. This should in turn strengthen your relationship and hence the poem becomes more than just words, it becomes a tool to enrich lives in a very real way.

Don’t read poetry and miss the point - leaving a feeling inside you without providing an action to complement it is such a waste. Therefore, the next time you read a love poem, make up your mind to carry the essence of that poem through to some gesture which will highlight the love that you have in your life.  Creating a love poem need not mean putting pen to paper - a completely selfless act by one partner for another can write an entire love epic.

There are a wide plethora of dating sites available on the Internet, from those which claim to be free (be wary of the ‘free’ marketing tag)  to those which cost a small fortune to become a member of.  Like with any investment in both time and money, you need to really understand what it is you are after.  Some of the biggest dating sites are able to offer you a lot in terms of a large user database and confidence in the product, however you should be aware that there have also been a few law suits against some big names in this business for faking profiles!  In addition it is hard for a site to protect against scammers loading false profiles, so you really should be careful that anyone you contact is in fact genuine.

Smaller sites are often quite localised and popular within a certain geographical region.  These sites are also better able to cope with people loading fake profiles as they have a more personal approach to how they maintain their site.  You may find that the smaller dating site has a better offering for what you are after.  Though of course it is all about what your are looking for and whether or not those sites can provide you with it.
When it comes to the adult personals side of dating (and I use the term ‘dating’ loosely here), again, you would probably find that the big names suffer somewhat from fradulent postings.   However, with the smaller sites you should be aware that many of them are in fact serving niche markets and/or have a very strict critieria for the services they offer and the type of people they are trying to attract.  If you go online just looking for sex, then make sure that you are using the right site as it can cause offence and violate many sites’ terms and conditions of usage.

So, do your research, think local and don’t automatically choose the big players in the online dating game, there are many alternatives which may suit you better.

‘Laughter is the Best Medicine’ - this is a very common phrase and one which many people associate with the therapeutic benefits of humour for people experiencing illness of some description. It can equally be applied to any situation, including relationships. I have seen couples exist under a complete absence of any form of obvious enjoyment of each other’s company - no laughing, no joking around, no silliness - just polite, respectful, relatively unimportant conversation. What type of relationship could survive such a boring environment!

I think partners need to understand that every system needs energy to survive. Whether that system be a mechanical one such as a motor engine, or a biological one as could be found in an ecosystem, or even in the smallest sub-society, such as a relationship. Here, the emotional balance of the partnership requires energy, yet it is often neglected. Without this energy, boredom results, complacency thrives and the rot starts to set in.

So where do we get this energy from to stop the relationship becoming emotionally ill - as with many things, laughter is the best medicine. Inject a little humour into your daily actions. Find out what makes the other person smile and laugh and aim to bring a smile to their faces as often as you think they need it. Reinvigorate your lifestyle by doing things which creates adrenalin, increases endorphins, challenges both of you and ultimately faciliatates the flow of energy through your lives. This energy is what life is all about. Use laughter to bring it into your life and everyone around will reap the rewards.

Often the reason for disharmony in a relationship is the level of expectation from one or both partners.  It stands to reason that if one partner expects very little from the other then they will indeed be extremely happy if their expectations are exceeded, which most likely will happen.  However, if someone in a relationship has high expectations, then their partner may struggle to fulfil those elevated desires.  This can have a two-fold impact.  Firstly the partner with high expectations will feel frustrated and disappointed if their expectations are not met.  Secondly, their partner will feel hurt and stressed at failing to live up to what their partner demands from them.  This will of course put strain on a relationship.

I think the answer lies somewhere between what a person expects and what their partner can realistically provide.  With a little bit of practical evaluation of one’s expectations, it is possible to change them slightly to make them more accessible for the partner, without compromising too much on the end goal.  If compromise is encouraged, then both parties in the relationship can more easily achieve a happy medium where their needs are addressed without causing hurt and frustration to the other.

In relationships, as in business, going the extra mile can really work wonders.  What does this mean exactly?  Well, ‘going the extra mile’ is a phrase which translates into someone making an extra effort for some reason.  Normally it would mean giving your employer a better deal by trying to work harder, or in this case, by making your partner’s life a little easier by increasing your thoughtfulness.

For many people, love is an abstract concept and a little hard to have its exact definition pinned down.  For me, love can be measured by the level of sacrifice and thoughtfulness.  Love makes people ‘go the extra mile’ to look after their partner.  If you truly love someone, you care about them enough to want to make their life easier, even at the expense of your own comfort and energy.

Parents are often ready to lay down their life to protect and care for their offspring, but how many would do the same for their partner?  Yet the love of a partner can and should be just as strong as the love for a child (albeit a different type of love)… many people seem to doubt this and let the child be the main reason for their relationship - this is a ridiculously immature mistake with obvious unpleasant consequences.

So, to make your relationship stronger and to show your love, make that extra effort to show how you feel and to let your partner know that you are capable of giving things a bit more effort and go the extra mile.  Some people believe this is unnecessary and sacrifices are not warranted in a strong relationship, but looking at the relationships these people endure may tell you of their emotional maturity and ability to comment on such things.

So what type of things count.  As a rule of thumb, treat your partner as you want to be treated.  Here are some suggestions:

• breakfast in bed
• a massage, even if you feel a little tired yourself
• get up from your chair and offer to make tea, even if you don’t want tea yourself
• meet them half-way coming from work
• a compliment, completely unexpected and heartfelt
• tell them you love them
• buy them a small, cheap thoughtful gift that required some energy to think of
• look after their emotional health and make sure you understand how they feel about their life
• occasionally be prepared to back down if they are angry and in the wrong

These are just some simple suggestions, but by making that extra effort in a relationship, you are showing how thoughtful and loving you are and your partner will most likely recognise and appreciate the attention.  As a word of warning, you should not turn yourself into a slave, just learn how to be more thoughtful occasionally.  It is a good habit to get into and you will also benefit from doing the right thing.

As you climb the pyramid the needs, your need for self fulfillment tends to force you to look at more refined ways of preserving your self-respect.  For instance, as you become financially secure, your thoughts move from worrying about the next paycheck, to less pressing concerns, such as what tennis racket you are going to buy this weekend.  With this rise in the quality of living comes a corresponding responsibility to broaden your skill-set and increase your inner harmony with yourself and your surroundings.

One way to improve yourself in this matter is to focus on your honesty level.  When life is harder, it can actually be more practical to be dishonest about certain things.  For instance, if money is tight, sometimes it is necessary for some people to think they can skip paying the ticket to travel on the train to work some mornings.  Whilst this is wrong, you can understand that some people have more need to save that money for food.  Yet, when money is not a problem, it is often the case that these same people still try to cheat the system and continue not paying their way in society.  This level of dishonesty is bad for them and as they rise into their new social class, they will be labelled in a negative light by their peers once they find out about their dishonest ways.  Honesty is necessary for self-respect and self-love.  Hard times force some people to abandon their self-respect in order to survive, but it is still wrong.  However, to be fair, honesty seems to be a value that is easier for those whose life is less harse.

With regards to relationships, honesty is critical to trust.  If a partner is found to be lying about small things, then the natural conclusion is that the partner will most definitively lie about big things (such as cheating).  This can (and does) breed an atmosphere of distrust in a relationship.  Without trust, a relationship is very severely limited in how far it can proceed.  People in a relationship have to remember that trust is hard to earn and easily lost, so even one or two moments of dishonesty can be enough to ruin the trust in a relationship for a long time.  If you find that your past, i.e. your ‘hard’ life, encouraged you to be dishonest, then ask yourself, as an adult, is this stil the case; are you still unable to lead a life of honesty.  By trying to incorporate truthfulness and honesty into your life and being intolerant of any form of dishonesty and lying in your own behaviour, you are effectively telling the world that you are climbing the pyramid of needs and are existing on a higher plain of self-actualisation and maturity than your peers.  This makes you a more valuable person in most peoples’ opinion and one which other emotionally-rich people will endeavour to become acquainted with.  Even more importantly, it tells your prospective partner that you have risen above your animalistic/self-centred instincts and have goals and standards which make you a very attractive person… someone who will rise to the challenges imposed in life and who will always aim for the right path to follow.  This attitude you foster will encourage trustfulness in your partner, which in turn will lead to a feeling of security.  If you are dishonest, you stand every chance of making your partner feel insecure and this may manifest itself in relationship disharmony.  If you are totally and consistently honest, you have acquired one of the cornerstone skills of a truly successful relationship and you will reap the rewards for your mature attitude.

Through observation in my own life and the life of others, I have come to believe that many unpleasant acts are borne out of fear. Not all acts of course. For example, everyone is born with a genetic predisposition to self-centredness, which, if left unchecked will lead to the development of an adult whose self-centred attitude will hurt those around him/her. However, it is not those types of situations I am referring to; it is the actions of one person hurting another due to a misguided belief that they are protecting themselves.

So what sort of actions am I referring to exactly. Let us take the personality trait of ’sensitivity’ as an example. In theory, being a ’sensitive’ person is a great life-affirming natural talent to possess. You can understand people better, spot emotions in others that many people fail to see, be more empathetic to your partner and hence enjoy closer relationships. In reality, it also means that you are vulnerable to how you perceive other people’s emotions/opinions/actions to affect you. This should not be a problem in a fearless person as they will generally not read the small print in a person’s actions and assume that person wishes to hurt them. However, mix fear and sensitivity and you have a potent mix which can make the possessor of these attributes a nightmare to live with. As explained above, a sensitive person will pick up on subtle emotional meanings in a partner’s actions… if fear resides in the heart of the sensitive person, they may start looking to protect themselves by checking to see if their partner is secretly trying to hurt them (fear causes us to look for the root of our fear and protect ourselves from it… it becomes an obsession and is addictive). Their fear causes them to probe their partner (albeit at a discrete, subtle level) to see if there is anything to be frightened about. This can cause a fearful person to inadvertently start engineering the very things they are frightened off.

Let me give an example. If a frightened man is generally fearful of his wife cheating on him and one night in mixed company he notices her tiny, extremely subtle flirtatious attitude towards a male colleague (which he will notice as he has the gift/curse of ’sensitivity’), then how will he feel? The mature man who has eradicated irrational fear in is life, may see this as a sign that his wife is enjoying attention from another man and therefore must be feeling undervalued in her daily life… perhaps he would surmise that he has been neglecting her slightly; afterall, she is married to him and they both love each other, so maybe he can change his attitude to her slightly and improve his actions as her partner. Eventually he will be able to tell if his effort paid off and she ceases the flirting. As a side-note, obviously they would need to discuss her actions in a mature calm way to try to determine if there is actually any real serious relationship problems beginning. Now, let us image that the man is in fact quit fearful and instead of having a rational heart, has one filled with fear of ‘what might happen’. Instead of being mature about it, he might let his fear take control and his imagination work towards the worse case scenario (i.e. she is, or will, cheat on him).

You need to understand that humans have an inbuilt mechanism to protect themselves. When a certain danger presents itself, humans need to make a choice and often the choice which is generally wisest for most situations is to prepare for the worst outcome, so you are not surprised, caught off guard and hence harmed. Unfortunately, in one of life’s bizarre twists, this has the effect of causing the exact opposite… prepare for the worst and you stand a wonderful chance of making exactly that happen. The reason is that emotionally, you are focusing on your worst fear to protect yourself, and consequently all your mental resources are pointing at the cause of your fear… this has the effect of preventing you from lateral thinking and solving your problem through other means. In other words, you are increasing the likelihood that your worst fears will become reality. Try riding a bicycle and focus subconsciously (if possible) on not trying to hit a lamppost in the distance… you will be surprised at how unnecessarily close to that lamppost you cycled in your effort to avoid it. Normally you would naturally have cycled further away from it when passing, but now you are focusing on avoiding it and bizarrely riding closer to the object you are trying to avoid. This is a psychological phenomenon and well documented in science.

Now, back to our example. The fearful man may now be frightened of the worse possible meanings of his wife’s innocent reaction to another man’s attention, i.e. her subtle flirting. He may imagine that infidelity will follow and all sorts of images will flash through his mind. Perhaps he will start to get angry and resentful. Maybe because he now feels hurt by her potentially innocent actions he may decide to hurt her back, just to let her know how he feels (many men do this because expressing emotions on subjects like this can be hard for them, so actions are easier for them to utilise). Whatever his actions, his suspicions and fear are likely to alarm, offend or push away his wife. In essence, his actions and interpretation of the offending situation have been perverted by his fear and consequently he has set himself on the path of realising his fears, i.e. she may become resentful of his lack of trust in her and this could lead to a relationship deterioration and hence her actually becoming more likely to cheat. A mature man would eradicate his fears and look on the situation with a clear problem-solving ability; a fearful man immediately jumps into ‘fight or flight’ mode and exasperates the situation. It is like cracking a nut with a sledge hammer.

This is just one example, but there are many daily events in our lifes and relationships where fear can cause us to misjudge the situation and hence actually make it worse. Fear is a healthy thing if controlled and experienced with the right stimuli… it is always healthy to experience fear when you turn a corner and a hungry looking tiger is sitting looking at you, licking it’s lips. It is not healthy to experience fear when that fear is a result of misuse of your imagination. Learn to eradicate imaginary fear and you will see yourself become more relaxed, happier, less stressed and more mature. You will most likely see an improvement in your relationship if your fear has so far been hurting it (which you may not even have realised).

Footnote: a word of caution, fear exists for a reason, so learn to differentiate between real and imaginary fears.

There are many ways to keep the excitement and interest alive in a relationship and most of these ways focus on the interaction between two partners.  There are other indirect ways which can be very effective in rejuvenating relationships.  One of them I will touch upon now and concerns not an outwardly direction of attention to the partner, but instead a change in direction of your own life path.

It sounds a bit dramatic, but really it is nothing more than making better use of your talent in various areas to increase your ability to experience life’s rich variety of creative activities.  The theory is that by increasing your own knowledge and skills in areas which fulfil you, you will then pass on the increased feeling of well-being to your partner.  As well as being more emotionally self-sufficient, you reduce the emotional baggage on your partner that you bring to the relationship.  By this I mean that many people expect their partner to fix all their problems and be a leaning post for everything that goes wrong.  Instead, learn how to bring into your life emotional experiences that do not depend on your partner… in essence, by doing so you are not draining your other half’s energy, but instead replenishing it.  This in turn will lead to an increased sense of well-being in your partner which could then be reflected positively back to you.  In short, both of you will benefit and the relationship will potentially enter a deeper phase of understanding and mutual love.  Many people prefer their partner to have interests outside of their own… it leads to a more rounded, less clingy relationship, which is far more healthy.

Another benefit of doing various activities/hobbies which fulfil you is that you have an increased base of knowledge and interests from which to talk about.  You will feel more confident as you become competent in your hobby and this will lead to renewed focus on the topics in your conversations which interest you and could help your partner respect you even more.  An upshot of this is the possibility that your partner could even show an interest and he too could benefit from following similar hobbies.

All in all, gaining experience in what life has to offer and becoming adept at a few fulfilling skills can work wonders for your self-esteem and independence.  This in turn can lead to your partner feeling less pressure and actually feeling more love towards you.  Many people are turned off by a partner who is too dependent on them as it creates an artificially high level of pressure for them to support their partner.  By removing this pressure and showing that you have an intellectual, creative side that empowers you, you may just find that your partner is impressed, relieved, proud and ultimately even happier to have you in her/his life.

SO what hobbies would achieve all this?  Anything which fulfills you.  It would be even better if some of your hobbies your partner could even share with you (though beware encroaching on their ’spare’ time and this could backfire and you could be accussed of meddling in their life a little too much).  I would recommend an interest which fulfills you emotionally as well as offers some sort of interaction with others.  For instance, the following list should provide some ideas on what many people do to enrich their lives:

• painting
• poetry
• writing
• photography
• knitting
• debating clubs
• dancing
• politics
• history
• horse riding
• flower arranging
• kite flying
• running
• book of the month club
• singing
• sculpture
• glass-blowing
• fine arts
• jewellery making
• golf
• yoga
• martial art

The list could be nearly endless.  The choice is yours, so go out and make yourself more fulfilled, more confident, stronger and more interesting… and watch your relationship reinvigorate itself.

After having spoken to a female friend about her boyfriend recently, I came to the conclusion that many people fail to understand their partner.  Apparently, her boyfriend would sometimes get angry for little reason and act too sensitively in certain situations.  She said he was actually a very nice guy and other than his anger, everything else was perfect.

After discussing this for a while, it transpired than when he got angry, she rose to the challenge and got angry back at him.  Fighting fire with fire is not a good strategy for relationship harmony.  Of course she has the right to get angry with him, but there is a subtle difference in each others anger which, in my opinion places her at fault.  In this case, his anger it seems may be caused by his abusive past (it appears he had a strict, violent father), whereas hers is caused by his irrational actions.   Why is this important?  Firstly, in this case the woman needs to understand that his anger is not a reflection on the current situation and she should view the trigger as nothing more than that, a release valve for the inner pain he has experienced.  He may not even know why he is getting angry and if his partner gets angry back and fails to understand the real underlying cause of his pain, then he will get even more angry and frustrated with both himself and her.  He wants to be in control, but was previously hurt to such a degree that he needs help to sort out his emotions.  Instead of getting angry with him, she would be better to try (if she can, and has the love and maturity to do so) to reach out a hand of patience and understanding.  By acknowledging (in a gentle and unpatronising way) that his anger is a consequence of the pain which was previously inflicted on him, she will be in control of the situation and he will end up feeling a mixture of emotions.  Firstly, he will feel relief - men often lose control of themselves when challenged in an angry state and they always end up afterwards feeling really bad and disappointed with themselves; so by avoiding a confrontation, she is helping him avoid hurting himself, which he will appreciate.  Secondly, love - show understanding to a man who does not (on the surface) deserve it and you will escalate in his opinion of you; you are proving to him how much more in control you are than he is and he will respect and possibly love you more for it.  Thirdly, shame - by your mature actions you will leave him feeling ashamed of his lack of control; this shame will more realistically cause him to look at his anger issues than if you shout back at him - shout back at him and in some way you are reinforcing his belief that you are in the wrong.  Of course if you rise to his challenge and fight back, then he will think you are deliberately pressing his buttons, showing him no love or understanding and basically failing him as his partner, which will hurt him more and cause an endless circle of anger.  More importantly, you are displaying a lack of knowledge of his pain and the fact that he feels he cannot really talk about this pain.  Show tolerance to him and he will start to handle his anger better.  A simple gesture such as touching his arm or even keeping silent may be enough to bring on his shame.

Now, why should a woman do this for her partner?  After all, he is getting angry and it is not her fault, so why should she have to make the effort to be tolerant and patient when he is being angry?   The easy answer is that she doesn’t have to do this.  In fact few women do.  However, if she loves her partner and wishes to end the random acts of anger, then she needs to understand that she is in a unique position in this man’s life to help him.  After all, men also make many sacrifices for women, so is it not the right thing to do to help a man who may be suffering from some sort of emotional trauma?  Alas, many women do not see it this way and effectively take it personally when a man displays his anger for silly reasons.  If he is worth the effort, then give him a chance and see if the gentle understanding way of dealing with his anger brings about results.  If not, then at least you know you have tried your best and the next step is either further professional counselling or a break-up.

People search long and hard to find their perfect partner, yet many (maybe even most) eventually manage to seriously mess up the relationship in some way. Often this is exasperated through poor communication. There are many texts on communication in relationships, but this short article will bring to your attention a lesser known angle to communication which should first be addressed, i.e. do you actually want to communicate.

Actually, at this point let me define what I mean by communication: for this article it is the process of listening, interpreting, analysing and replying to a partner’s words and actions on subjects relating to the everyday interactions in the relationship. No matter how good at communicating you are, if the will is not there, you will not actually use your fabulous communication skills to their full effect. There are many reasons why someone would not genuinely wish to talk/listen to their partner about important relationship concerns:

• apathy
• lack of comprehension of the seriousness of the partner’s concerns
• lack of desire to listen due to various reasons (heard it all before, perception of nagging, tiredness, futility, etc)

to name but a few. The truth is that it is often hard to judge the earnestness of your partner’s needs, especially if they are always moaning, arguing and generally tiring you out with their complaining. However, if the relationship is worth working at, then you should dedicate a little energy to determine if you are ready to communicate and then do your best to communicate effectively. At the bottom of any diatribe lies a truth, at least in the mind of the person expressing it. Are you ready to be impartial? Are you balanced and eager to be fair? Are you calm and rational? These are questions that you need to answer before you even attempt to communicate. If you answer ‘no’ to any of them, then sit back and rationalise your attitude. Going into a serious debate about a relationship issue should not be done lightly and will require a certain level of maturity and thoughtfulness. Without thoughtfulness you will be unable to understand your partner’s needs and consequently potentially misunderstand the issue which could lead to frustration on your partner’s side.

Clear your mind, remember that your partner is bringing up an issue because they consider it important, expect criticism and don’t get offended by it (this is where maturity comes into it). Once you are prepared emotionally and mentally, then ask yourself, will you be able to have the mature conversation that is required to resolve the issue.

A few pointers here. Don’t communicate if you are not ready - in this case ask for time to prepare yourself or for when you are in a better mood; however make absolutely sure you stick to the designated time you choose (failure to do so shows disrespect to both yourself and your partner and sends out the message that you do not take their concerns seriously). Do make sure you refresh your memory about why you are with that person and why you are communicating - it is not to apportion blame, it is to align both partner’s views on an issue which is potentially causing a problem.

I believe most people do not want to communicate because they feel deep inside that they will be hurt in some way; either via a truth that is painful to accept or a latent criticism which undermines their confidence in who they are. Being a good communicator is important, but even a good communicator needs to be honest with themselves and determine if they are giving their best to the partner’s concerns.