Dating Site Blog & SEO

Many people use relationships and their partner to patch up areas in their life which they should be fixing themselves.  Self-improvement helps a person to become more balanced and less needy and hence able to choose a partner based on desire as opposed to need.  But what are the critical factors in self-improvement?

Over time I have come to identify one particular area which seems very neglected in today’s popular psychology craze; this is self-disciple.  Without the technique to control ourselves when we need to do work, we lose a lot of our potential and ability to make life more successful and consequently more fulfilling and easy.  With self-discipline we can learn that new language, stick to the exercise regime, maintain a healthy attitude to those around us, finish that important project and make better use of our time.  Without self-discipline, we sit around worrying about finishing the work and getting stressed, not learning the new language, not exercising regularly, taking our frustration out on other people, etc.  There is a massive difference in the quality of life between those who know how to make an ambitious life plan and stick to it and those who only dream.

The choice is yours.  We all know we need to be more disciplined, but few of us really take it seriously enough to try and tackle it once and for all.  Yet if we do it right, self-control and the world are at our feet.  Life improves when we plan our future and make the goals happen, as opposed to being a spectator in your own life and watching your dreams disappear, one after another.

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How do you make your website a success?  SEO – Search Engine Optimisation, is the process by which you tweak critical factors concerning your site (both on-page and off-page factors) to try to make it rank well in the search engines for key words or phrases that people search for.  if you rank well, more people see your site in the listing and hence you gain more traffic (i.e. site visitors).

SEO is a risky business and can fall into three categories; Black Hat, Grey Hat and White Hat techniques.  The first two should be avoided as they involve practices which could see your site banned from the search engines.  White hat SEO is a different matter and is a legitimate way to try and improve your site’s positioning in the likes of Google, Yahoo and MSN.  As Google accounts for over 50% of all searches, it is worth focusing on this search engine (SE) for optimisation.  Note that the different SE’s require slightly different optimisation techniques as their algorithms (which stipulate the rules for how sites rank for various keywords) are different from each other and evolve over time.  Nevertheless, if you focus your SEO techniques on Google, which has arguably the most successful algorithm, then you stand a great chance of doing well in the other SE’s as well.

So what is good SEO practice?  There are two types of optimisations efforts; on-page and off-page.  On-page optimisation concerns tweaking your content, positioning of page elements and proper use of HTML tags/attributes.  There is a wealth of information about this subject… just go to Google and type “white hat on-page SEO”.  You need to get this form of content optimisation right!  The second area you need to deal with is Off-page optimisation.  This revolves around getting your site noticed online, via in-bound links, i.e. other sites linking to your site.  There are many techniques to acquire in-bound links and this is where most of the spade-work of SEO is performed.  It is not an easy task to do and will require a lot of effort and time.  I think a good starting point is to make sure you have around 4000-8000 good quality in-bound links, and keep building it from there.  There are ways to check the quality and number of these links, but that is for another post.  As with on-page techniques, look up Google to find out the best ways to acquire in-bound links, or search this blog to find some tips.

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Though it may seem more like a personal objective, being a more positive person can have a dramatic impact on your relationship as well.  By increasing your ability to appreciate what you have and trying to foster a more realistic, optimistic outlook on your everyday life, you are able to remove some of the obstacles to a happy healthy relationship.

For instance, if you were to look at the various actions you have performed which have negatively impacted your partner, how many of them were as a result of some bad feeling on your part? Maybe you were tired and depressed and you lashed out at your partner for some minor reason; or maybe you were stressed with the daily grind of working life and sometimes thought it necessary to remind your partner that his/her life was easier (which inevitably would lead to conflict).  Now imagine those circumstances if you had been more optimistic about the underlying cause of your annoyance.  Instead of complaining about your job, a more optimistic you would maybe find reason to be thankful and pass on this new found appreciation in the way you treat your other half.  This in turn would hopefully cheer your partner and cause her/him to treat you better and hence avoid a conflict.

By learning to appreciate your life and surroundings a little more you will most likely improve how you feel about things and in turn be less likely to take out your frustrations on those around you.  It is definitely a win-win situation with a positive feedback loop for all.

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The importance of getting the sitemap right cannot be underestimated.  If you have many pages of content and your sitemap lists every page but one, then you can expect Google to ignore that one page in its listings.

I have found this out on a number of different occasions.  Recently I installed a Wordpress plugin which automatically creates a sitemap everytime I write a blog post.  Everything seemed fine until I noticed that the blog was dropping in the SERP’s for keywords I knew it had previously ranked well for.  I decided to investigate and noticed that my blog had first started to perform badly around the time I loaded the plugin.  On checking the auto-generated sitemap created by the plugin I noticed that it had errors (every entry was missing the ‘category’ name in the path) which invalidated every single link to a post on my site’s blog.  Google picked up my sitemap and consequently determined that every page  that was identified in it did not exist and hence was not indexed.  Overnight I lost the ability of my blog content to be indexed.

So, treat your blog with care and make sure that there are no issues with it.  If you find there are problems, immediately fix them and resubmit your sitemap to Google Webmaster Tools.

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It does seem obvious that two people verbally fighting with each other will not produce any productive conclusion, but in the heat of the moment it is difficult to remember this. There are many reasons why people get hot under the collar and lose their temper with their partner, but how can this be avoided?

I think the solution lies in the appreciation of the need of each side in the argument to be ‘right’ and ‘win’ their case. To understand and to listen to their side of the situation is the key to calming them down. By trying to ignore what they are saying, by refusing to listen to them, by demanding that they listen to you, by screaming, by crying, by throwing childish tantrums, by not communicating, you are killing any chances of maturely resolving the argument and will most likely escalate it. If you are acting in this way and not communicating effectively, then eventually your partner will either walk away from the relationship or develop a mistrust of your ability to act like an adult and resolve your differences, which will put a barrier between you.

So, to negotiate an argument I would follow these steps:

1. Calm down – allow time (in silence) for both people to relax a little
2. Listen – let the other person put their side of the story first (make sure you actually do listen though)
3. Understand – try to see things from their perspective
4. Communicate – once you understand their anguish, then put forward your side of events
5. Accept your own faults – if you are to blame for the argument, accept it
6. Compromise – reach a solution where both people are happy, assuming you are both to blame for the fight

Just remember, that contrary to popular belief, not every argument is caused by both people. If you are guilty of being selfish or immature, not communicating or getting angry, then it is your fault and you should accept this and make amends in some way. For every feeling of hurt you cause you need to address this and try to undo the damage. When you hurt someone and ignore the consequences, it has a habit of accumulating in intensity over time and spells relationship disaster, eventually.

Will relationship_advice

So you have completed your site and you now need to focus on traffic.  At this stage you are starting to investigate SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) and what it means for your site.  SEO is a popular area right now and has been for a while; basically it revolves around good practices aimed at increasing your site’s exposure in the search engines (and more explicitly in Google).  There are many techniques to try, but one sure fire way of getting noticed and rewarded is by having what we term ‘link-bait’.  This is nothing more than attractive content on your site which other webmasters/bloggers, etc will naturally wish to link to.

As an example of effective link bait, look to Google Gadgets and Social Networking sites for inspiration.  It is possible to write small applications which could be useful for your visitors and for which they can then load onto their Facebook profile (for example) or on iGoogle.  Your application can either be hosted on your own site or at least contains links/adverts to it.  Everyone benefits as your visitors get a useful tool, whilst you benefit as you get inbound links that were organically and ethically harvested.

Be inventive and creative and with a little bit of technical knowledge and the right direction, your efforts could result in a link-building campaign that works and generates targeted traffic to your site.

Will website_technology

When it comes to relationships (as in many things in life), being truthful to your partner is as important as being truthful to yourself.  What I mean by this, is that by knowing the difference yourself between the truthfulness of your thoughts and actions, and being able to pass this to your partner (either by words or actions), you will be able to build up an incredible level of trust.  Without trust there can be no close relationship… trust and love go hand-in-hand and breaking one severely damages the other.

If you are able to be truthful to yourself and to understand your true intentions behind your actions (which many people are unable to do), then you are in a good position to use this ’strength’ to build your relationship.   Truthfulness takes courage and knowing who you are, and why you do what you do, is a major milestone on the path to complete self-awareness and maturity.  The next step after this is to learn to share your talent and display this openess with your partner.

Many people say you can be too honest, but I believe it depends on the maturity of the people involved.   The truth is never something to shy away from and if you strive to be a better person, then being open to the truth will make you stronger.  Therefore I think it is better to be wholly truthful in a relationship as long as your partner is strong enough and willing enough to accept it.  The end result should be a new found level of trust and a consequently heightened feeling of love.  Ultimately, your relationship is in your hands and to make any relationship work you first need to overcome the obstacles set by the biggest protagonist in the relationship, i.e. you.  Fix your own problems first and then start dealing with those of your partner’s.  Learn to be truthful to yourself and your partner and you will reap the rewards of your efforts.

Will relationship_advice

Die Lange Nacht der Musik (The Long Night of Music) for 2008 is upon us and it really is worthwhile to make the effort to visit the events on show. For one evening/night on the 31st May (8pm – 3am), venues across Munich will host various shows, cabarets, bands and music festivals. These shows will continue throughout the night and will be hosted in around 100 places such as bars, churches, concert halls, etc… just about anywhere really.

In addition, as 2008 is the 850th anniversary of the founding of Munich, you can expect a bit more for your money this year. Munich is well worth a visit for this event.

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There is a phenomenon, usually I suspect amongst younger adults, where some people are more in love with the notion of being in love than with the actual act of loving somebody. Their desire for love and their need to find someone to match their requirements can be so strong that they are in danger of never finding someone to meet their expectations. When they are in a relationship they can often mess it up by focusing on how much love they are receiving as opposed to how much they are giving.

The truth is that in our lives we should do all we can with what we have. You cannot really determine how much someone loves you, but you are able to make a big effort to show how much you love them. Make that effort and try not to dream so much about how much love you wish to get back. The latter will only leave you feeling short-changed and frustrated, whilst at the same time probably neglecting your relationship, whereas the former is more likely to make your dreams become reality and the relationship to work. Being in love with being in love is slightly infantile and not the best strategy for relationship success.

Will relationship_advice

Without goals in life, we are liable to underachieve. The same applies to relationships, in that it is healthy to have something for a couple to aim for. The crucial factor is whether or not each partner has their own personal goals as well as generic relationship goals.

People in relationships need to be dependent (to a healthy degree) on their partner – this promotes closeness and strengthens the relationship. The human desire to be needed and useful to other people is a very important aspect of our social interactions and extremely important for couples. However, we also need to not place too much strain on our partner by being too needy. Remember, strength is attractive and energy-giving; if you lack strength you can damage the relationship by tiring out your partner and depending on him/her too much, which they may come to resent (I am not referring to dependency caused by disability, which is entirely different). Hence, why it is healthy to have personal goals in life. Of course both partners need to work together for their relationship goals, i.e. to achieve increased trust, understanding, save for that elusive perfect home, etc. In addition, to keep the relationship healthy and vibrant, give yourself personal goals. Things such as increasing your standard of education, combating irrational fears, taking up a hobby, etc all contribute to your own strength and self-esteem. These factors can increase the total energy in a relationship and both partners will benefit. Additionally, once your partner sees you improving yourself, he/she may be motivated to improve themselves also, which will have a doubly positive impact.

Self-improvement, via the goal-orientated approach, should keep you enthusiastic and breath new life into your daily routine. This increase in energy and strength is very attractive and will keep a relationship on the right track. Many failed relationships derail due to personal problems and are not always directly attributable to the actual relationship per se. Improve yourself, achieve your goals, keep your mind young and energetic and then watch as your relationship reinvigorates itself. Like in many aspects of life, the key to succeeding in something is to first inwardly critically analyse yourself and then set goals for self-improvement.

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I find it a strange paradox that so many people love reading poems which describe love, yet fail to live that poem in their own lives. How can it be that something as artistic as a love poem can do so little to inspire the reader to act out the essence of what they read, for the benefit of their partner. Does this make them hypocritical?

To clarify my point, I need an example. Typical, many love poems centre around the death of a partner and the desperate longing and pain which a cruel twist of fate can wreck upon an otherwise blissful union. The reader of this type of poem has their emotional appreciation for beauty and value elevated (albeit temporarily) whilst they ‘experience’ the poem. Momentarily, they feel the loss which the poem describes and it touches them. Yet, do they return to their partner with a new found sense of urgency and a desire to treat them with more love and appreciation? Not usually, I suspect. The benefits of a poem appear to be short lived and appeal more to those who wish to engage in the quick fix of an emotional high, without accepting that this fix should come at a price of increased thoughtfulness.

An underlying truth about love poetry is that it helps us focus on what we have. It reminds us of the feelings, security, companionship and ‘pure’ love that we currently possess. However, even with this reminder, we still return home to our partner and threat them as a vehicle for our own happiness. Sometimes, understanding the essence of a poem can help us understand our own actions or the lack of. The trick, is to use poetry to heighten your own powers of appreciation. As you become more thankful for what you have, you can use this energy to benefit the person you love. This should in turn strengthen your relationship and hence the poem becomes more than just words, it becomes a tool to enrich lives in a very real way.

Don’t read poetry and miss the point – leaving a feeling inside you without providing an action to complement it is such a waste. Therefore, the next time you read a love poem, make up your mind to carry the essence of that poem through to some gesture which will highlight the love that you have in your life.  Creating a love poem need not mean putting pen to paper – a completely selfless act by one partner for another can write an entire love epic.

Will relationship_advice

There are a wide plethora of dating sites available on the Internet, from those which claim to be free (be wary of the ‘free’ marketing tag)  to those which cost a small fortune to become a member of.  Like with any investment in both time and money, you need to really understand what it is you are after.  Some of the biggest dating sites are able to offer you a lot in terms of a large user database and confidence in the product, however you should be aware that there have also been a few law suits against some big names in this business for faking profiles!  In addition it is hard for a site to protect against scammers loading false profiles, so you really should be careful that anyone you contact is in fact genuine.

Smaller sites are often quite localised and popular within a certain geographical region.  These sites are also better able to cope with people loading fake profiles as they have a more personal approach to how they maintain their site.  You may find that the smaller dating site has a better offering for what you are after.  Though of course it is all about what your are looking for and whether or not those sites can provide you with it.
When it comes to the adult personals side of dating (and I use the term ‘dating’ loosely here), again, you would probably find that the big names suffer somewhat from fradulent postings.   However, with the smaller sites you should be aware that many of them are in fact serving niche markets and/or have a very strict critieria for the services they offer and the type of people they are trying to attract.  If you go online just looking for sex, then make sure that you are using the right site as it can cause offence and violate many sites’ terms and conditions of usage.

So, do your research, think local and don’t automatically choose the big players in the online dating game, there are many alternatives which may suit you better.

Will relationship_advice

The problem with online dating is that you need to be sure that what you are after is provided by the site you are using.  There are many sites which serve a niche market and you do not wish to inadvertently end up there if it is not your intention.  For instance, trying to find a soul-mate partner on a sexual submission site might not work to your advantage.

On the same note, make sure that what you are after does not cause offence to the majority of users on a site.  If PVC and whips are your thing, then think again about joining the various Christian dating sites… they might not be too happy when you contact them looking for willing dungeon dwellers.

There are many sites out there for many different tastes in relationship and interests.  If you need a specialist site, then find one.  On a more general level, most people in the Western world wish to just meet someone for a few dates to see what develops.  If you are hungry for children and desperately want marriage, then perhaps this could also be deemed a specialist interest and you would be better suited to joining a marriage agency.  As a hint for women, if you appear too desperate to get married, men sense something is wrong and start to run… and rightly so.  Go for the relationship first and if you are well suited, then marriage would normally follow… try it the other way round and people in the Western world will doubt your sincerity to your new found partner.

Click in Love is both an introduction agency and a dating website.  We aim to facilitate the dating/meeting process for genuine people in search of love.  We believe in love, romance and all things that come with a dedicated genuine relationship.  People who use our site do so with the intention of forming relationships; not business relationships (such as what many intercultural marriages appear to be, where the man gets someone to have sex with, who irons his shirt and cooks for him, whilst the woman gets money, stability, visa and a family all based in a rich Western country).  At Click in Love, we deal with intercultural relationships where both partners want more than the basics.  If you feel you want something like this, then this site is for you.  If you are after something different (and there is nothing wrong with that) then I ask you to respectively remember that this site is for people looking for love and romance, so perhaps you are better suited choosing a more fitting site for your requirements.

Will datingsite

‘Laughter is the Best Medicine’ – this is a very common phrase and one which many people associate with the therapeutic benefits of humour for people experiencing illness of some description. It can equally be applied to any situation, including relationships. I have seen couples exist under a complete absence of any form of obvious enjoyment of each other’s company – no laughing, no joking around, no silliness – just polite, respectful, relatively unimportant conversation. What type of relationship could survive such a boring environment!

I think partners need to understand that every system needs energy to survive. Whether that system be a mechanical one such as a motor engine, or a biological one as could be found in an ecosystem, or even in the smallest sub-society, such as a relationship. Here, the emotional balance of the partnership requires energy, yet it is often neglected. Without this energy, boredom results, complacency thrives and the rot starts to set in.

So where do we get this energy from to stop the relationship becoming emotionally ill – as with many things, laughter is the best medicine. Inject a little humour into your daily actions. Find out what makes the other person smile and laugh and aim to bring a smile to their faces as often as you think they need it. Reinvigorate your lifestyle by doing things which creates adrenalin, increases endorphins, challenges both of you and ultimately faciliatates the flow of energy through your lives. This energy is what life is all about. Use laughter to bring it into your life and everyone around will reap the rewards.

Will relationship_advice

Often the reason for disharmony in a relationship is the level of expectation from one or both partners.  It stands to reason that if one partner expects very little from the other then they will indeed be extremely happy if their expectations are exceeded, which most likely will happen.  However, if someone in a relationship has high expectations, then their partner may struggle to fulfil those elevated desires.  This can have a two-fold impact.  Firstly the partner with high expectations will feel frustrated and disappointed if their expectations are not met.  Secondly, their partner will feel hurt and stressed at failing to live up to what their partner demands from them.  This will of course put strain on a relationship.

I think the answer lies somewhere between what a person expects and what their partner can realistically provide.  With a little bit of practical evaluation of one’s expectations, it is possible to change them slightly to make them more accessible for the partner, without compromising too much on the end goal.  If compromise is encouraged, then both parties in the relationship can more easily achieve a happy medium where their needs are addressed without causing hurt and frustration to the other.

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In relationships, as in business, going the extra mile can really work wonders.  What does this mean exactly?  Well, ‘going the extra mile’ is a phrase which translates into someone making an extra effort for some reason.  Normally it would mean giving your employer a better deal by trying to work harder, or in this case, by making your partner’s life a little easier by increasing your thoughtfulness.

For many people, love is an abstract concept and a little hard to have its exact definition pinned down.  For me, love can be measured by the level of sacrifice and thoughtfulness.  Love makes people ‘go the extra mile’ to look after their partner.  If you truly love someone, you care about them enough to want to make their life easier, even at the expense of your own comfort and energy.

Parents are often ready to lay down their life to protect and care for their offspring, but how many would do the same for their partner?  Yet the love of a partner can and should be just as strong as the love for a child (albeit a different type of love)… many people seem to doubt this and let the child be the main reason for their relationship – this is a ridiculously immature mistake with obvious unpleasant consequences.

So, to make your relationship stronger and to show your love, make that extra effort to show how you feel and to let your partner know that you are capable of giving things a bit more effort and go the extra mile.  Some people believe this is unnecessary and sacrifices are not warranted in a strong relationship, but looking at the relationships these people endure may tell you of their emotional maturity and ability to comment on such things.

So what type of things count.  As a rule of thumb, treat your partner as you want to be treated.  Here are some suggestions:

• breakfast in bed
• a massage, even if you feel a little tired yourself
• get up from your chair and offer to make tea, even if you don’t want tea yourself
• meet them half-way coming from work
• a compliment, completely unexpected and heartfelt
• tell them you love them
• buy them a small, cheap thoughtful gift that required some energy to think of
• look after their emotional health and make sure you understand how they feel about their life
• occasionally be prepared to back down if they are angry and in the wrong

These are just some simple suggestions, but by making that extra effort in a relationship, you are showing how thoughtful and loving you are and your partner will most likely recognise and appreciate the attention.  As a word of warning, you should not turn yourself into a slave, just learn how to be more thoughtful occasionally.  It is a good habit to get into and you will also benefit from doing the right thing.

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As you climb the pyramid the needs, your need for self fulfillment tends to force you to look at more refined ways of preserving your self-respect.  For instance, as you become financially secure, your thoughts move from worrying about the next paycheck, to less pressing concerns, such as what tennis racket you are going to buy this weekend.  With this rise in the quality of living comes a corresponding responsibility to broaden your skill-set and increase your inner harmony with yourself and your surroundings.

One way to improve yourself in this matter is to focus on your honesty level.  When life is harder, it can actually be more practical to be dishonest about certain things.  For instance, if money is tight, sometimes it is necessary for some people to think they can skip paying the ticket to travel on the train to work some mornings.  Whilst this is wrong, you can understand that some people have more need to save that money for food.  Yet, when money is not a problem, it is often the case that these same people still try to cheat the system and continue not paying their way in society.  This level of dishonesty is bad for them and as they rise into their new social class, they will be labelled in a negative light by their peers once they find out about their dishonest ways.  Honesty is necessary for self-respect and self-love.  Hard times force some people to abandon their self-respect in order to survive, but it is still wrong.  However, to be fair, honesty seems to be a value that is easier for those whose life is less harse.

With regards to relationships, honesty is critical to trust.  If a partner is found to be lying about small things, then the natural conclusion is that the partner will most definitively lie about big things (such as cheating).  This can (and does) breed an atmosphere of distrust in a relationship.  Without trust, a relationship is very severely limited in how far it can proceed.  People in a relationship have to remember that trust is hard to earn and easily lost, so even one or two moments of dishonesty can be enough to ruin the trust in a relationship for a long time.  If you find that your past, i.e. your ‘hard’ life, encouraged you to be dishonest, then ask yourself, as an adult, is this stil the case; are you still unable to lead a life of honesty.  By trying to incorporate truthfulness and honesty into your life and being intolerant of any form of dishonesty and lying in your own behaviour, you are effectively telling the world that you are climbing the pyramid of needs and are existing on a higher plain of self-actualisation and maturity than your peers.  This makes you a more valuable person in most peoples’ opinion and one which other emotionally-rich people will endeavour to become acquainted with.  Even more importantly, it tells your prospective partner that you have risen above your animalistic/self-centred instincts and have goals and standards which make you a very attractive person… someone who will rise to the challenges imposed in life and who will always aim for the right path to follow.  This attitude you foster will encourage trustfulness in your partner, which in turn will lead to a feeling of security.  If you are dishonest, you stand every chance of making your partner feel insecure and this may manifest itself in relationship disharmony.  If you are totally and consistently honest, you have acquired one of the cornerstone skills of a truly successful relationship and you will reap the rewards for your mature attitude.

Will relationship_advice

Through observation in my own life and the life of others, I have come to believe that many unpleasant acts are borne out of fear. Not all acts of course. For example, everyone is born with a genetic predisposition to self-centredness, which, if left unchecked will lead to the development of an adult whose self-centred attitude will hurt those around him/her. However, it is not those types of situations I am referring to; it is the actions of one person hurting another due to a misguided belief that they are protecting themselves.

So what sort of actions am I referring to exactly. Let us take the personality trait of ’sensitivity’ as an example. In theory, being a ’sensitive’ person is a great life-affirming natural talent to possess. You can understand people better, spot emotions in others that many people fail to see, be more empathetic to your partner and hence enjoy closer relationships. In reality, it also means that you are vulnerable to how you perceive other people’s emotions/opinions/actions to affect you. This should not be a problem in a fearless person as they will generally not read the small print in a person’s actions and assume that person wishes to hurt them. However, mix fear and sensitivity and you have a potent mix which can make the possessor of these attributes a nightmare to live with. As explained above, a sensitive person will pick up on subtle emotional meanings in a partner’s actions… if fear resides in the heart of the sensitive person, they may start looking to protect themselves by checking to see if their partner is secretly trying to hurt them (fear causes us to look for the root of our fear and protect ourselves from it… it becomes an obsession and is addictive). Their fear causes them to probe their partner (albeit at a discrete, subtle level) to see if there is anything to be frightened about. This can cause a fearful person to inadvertently start engineering the very things they are frightened off.

Let me give an example. If a frightened man is generally fearful of his wife cheating on him and one night in mixed company he notices her tiny, extremely subtle flirtatious attitude towards a male colleague (which he will notice as he has the gift/curse of ’sensitivity’), then how will he feel? The mature man who has eradicated irrational fear in is life, may see this as a sign that his wife is enjoying attention from another man and therefore must be feeling undervalued in her daily life… perhaps he would surmise that he has been neglecting her slightly; afterall, she is married to him and they both love each other, so maybe he can change his attitude to her slightly and improve his actions as her partner. Eventually he will be able to tell if his effort paid off and she ceases the flirting. As a side-note, obviously they would need to discuss her actions in a mature calm way to try to determine if there is actually any real serious relationship problems beginning. Now, let us image that the man is in fact quit fearful and instead of having a rational heart, has one filled with fear of ‘what might happen’. Instead of being mature about it, he might let his fear take control and his imagination work towards the worse case scenario (i.e. she is, or will, cheat on him).

You need to understand that humans have an inbuilt mechanism to protect themselves. When a certain danger presents itself, humans need to make a choice and often the choice which is generally wisest for most situations is to prepare for the worst outcome, so you are not surprised, caught off guard and hence harmed. Unfortunately, in one of life’s bizarre twists, this has the effect of causing the exact opposite… prepare for the worst and you stand a wonderful chance of making exactly that happen. The reason is that emotionally, you are focusing on your worst fear to protect yourself, and consequently all your mental resources are pointing at the cause of your fear… this has the effect of preventing you from lateral thinking and solving your problem through other means. In other words, you are increasing the likelihood that your worst fears will become reality. Try riding a bicycle and focus subconsciously (if possible) on not trying to hit a lamppost in the distance… you will be surprised at how unnecessarily close to that lamppost you cycled in your effort to avoid it. Normally you would naturally have cycled further away from it when passing, but now you are focusing on avoiding it and bizarrely riding closer to the object you are trying to avoid. This is a psychological phenomenon and well documented in science.

Now, back to our example. The fearful man may now be frightened of the worse possible meanings of his wife’s innocent reaction to another man’s attention, i.e. her subtle flirting. He may imagine that infidelity will follow and all sorts of images will flash through his mind. Perhaps he will start to get angry and resentful. Maybe because he now feels hurt by her potentially innocent actions he may decide to hurt her back, just to let her know how he feels (many men do this because expressing emotions on subjects like this can be hard for them, so actions are easier for them to utilise). Whatever his actions, his suspicions and fear are likely to alarm, offend or push away his wife. In essence, his actions and interpretation of the offending situation have been perverted by his fear and consequently he has set himself on the path of realising his fears, i.e. she may become resentful of his lack of trust in her and this could lead to a relationship deterioration and hence her actually becoming more likely to cheat. A mature man would eradicate his fears and look on the situation with a clear problem-solving ability; a fearful man immediately jumps into ‘fight or flight’ mode and exasperates the situation. It is like cracking a nut with a sledge hammer.

This is just one example, but there are many daily events in our lifes and relationships where fear can cause us to misjudge the situation and hence actually make it worse. Fear is a healthy thing if controlled and experienced with the right stimuli… it is always healthy to experience fear when you turn a corner and a hungry looking tiger is sitting looking at you, licking it’s lips. It is not healthy to experience fear when that fear is a result of misuse of your imagination. Learn to eradicate imaginary fear and you will see yourself become more relaxed, happier, less stressed and more mature. You will most likely see an improvement in your relationship if your fear has so far been hurting it (which you may not even have realised).

Footnote: a word of caution, fear exists for a reason, so learn to differentiate between real and imaginary fears.

Will relationship_advice